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  1. #286
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    A man buys a dozen pairs of panties for his wifes birthday present.
    His wife protests: " Why the same colour, people will think i don't change my panties."
    Husband asks" which people?


    I was watching a dog chasing it's tail, then thought dogs are easily amused.
    Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

    How do you milk a sheep............................Release another iPhone for $1000.

    Whats the difference between a Politician and a Flying Pig..........................The letter F

    If light travels faster than sound then how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?





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  3. #287
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    When playing golf take a spare pair of trousers - just in case you get a hole in one.

    Becoming a vegetarian ...............Is a big missed steak


    2 inmates are by the asylum pool.

    One falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

    The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds, however I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself last night".

    The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"



    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

    “Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

    “No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.” "Do you want a room with or without a view?"



    A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
    The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.
    So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."
    The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
    The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"


    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

    The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

    "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

    "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

    The moral of the story?

    You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *******.



    The French bible is different to the others.

    When Jesus fed the 5000 He multiplied their pain and fed them poison.



    A man and his wife are making the long drive back to their rural farm late one wintry evening. While still some distance from home, a mother skunk and her kit dart in front of the car, and unfortunately, the mother skunk is killed instantly. The wife insists that her husband stop the car, which he does. After searching for the baby skunk for some time, she locates and retrieves the kit and returns to the heated car, thankful for the warmth. However, the kit is noticably shivering.

    "Oh, dear! This poor thing is freezing! What can we do to warm it up?" she asks.

    "Welp... I reckon you could put it under your dress, between your knees, and let your body heat warm it up."

    Concerned, she asks "Yes, but what about the smell?"

    "I expect You could hold its little nose."



    A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
    She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £100 as long as you can say it in three words.’
    The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £100 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’



    A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

    Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment &, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

    After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

    She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

    Surprised, Guido reached for her & the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly & there were screams of passion.

    The sex finally ends &, again, Guido smiles & asks, "You finish?"

    Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him & softly says, "No."

    Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing & ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

    Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly & asked again, You finish?"

    Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."



    Back in the day I remember my mum going to the supermarket with £2 in her purse and coming back with a bag of spuds, 2 loaves, 1 pack of butter, a block of cheese, a packet of sausages and a leg of lamb.

    You can't do that anymore…too many security cameras…



    Why do people buy ' Natural Products?

    After all, isn't the leading reason for deaths "natural causes"?



    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

    Breasts don't have eyes.



    A rough and tough cowboy just finished his drink in an Old Western tavern. He stood up and walked outside, but a few seconds later he barreled back through the door.

    With a mean look on his face and anger in his eyes, he said, "I'm gonna sit back down and have me another drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it by the time I'm done, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And I REALLY don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" So he sat back down, finished his second drink, and walked back outside. Sure enough, his horse was tied back up to its post, just where he left it. But right before he left, one of the scared patrons stopped him, and timidly asked,

    "Mister...what was it that you had to do back in Texas?"

    So the cowboy looked him straight in the eye and said,

    "I had to walk home."



    A man walks into a bar followed by an Ostrich.

    The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

    Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

    "Me too," says the ostrich.

    The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."

    Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

    The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

    The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."



    What runs faster Hot or Cold?
    Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.



    A girl and a boy meet at the discotheque and after a couple of dances it is obvious that they are really attracted to each other.

    The boy asks the girl home and she accepts.

    Once at home, nature being nature and the attraction being strong, after some kissing and petting, the boy makes some forceful advances.

    The girl tells him “John I really find you physically attractive and even I want to do this, but we must wait”

    John says “Mary you do not know how beautiful you are, I have some condoms in my pocket, and I cannot wait anymore”

    Mary replies “In our family we are deeply religious and I have to tell you that kissing and petting is all fine, but for me there will be no sex before marriage”

    John breaks away from the embrace, sits up on the bed, pulls out a piece of paper and starts writing on it.

    “What are you writing” asks Mary; “My phone number” says John.

    “And what pushed you into suddenly writing your number” asks Mary.

    “Here” says John, “call me when you are married”.

  4. #288
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    At the Vet's . . .

    Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

    The black lab turns to the brown and says, 'So why are you here?' The brown lab replies, 'I keep peeing I pee on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I peed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

    The black lab says, 'So what is the vet going to do?' 'Gonna give me Prozac,' came the reply from the brown lab. 'All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.' He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, 'Why are you here?'

    The yellow lab says, ' I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a big hole in my owner's couch.' 'So what are they going to do to you?' the black lab inquired. 'Looks like Prozac for me too,' the dejected yellow lab said.

    The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper,' the black lab says. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away.'


    The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, 'So, Prozac for you too, huh?' The black lab says, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'

  5. #289
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    The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

    This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
    Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid

    So, she
    Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

    While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
    Paint a couple of rooms in the house.

    The next day, right after her
    Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

    Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
    Paint.

    He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
    Floor in a pool of sweat.

    He notices that she is wearing a heavy
    Parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

    He goes over and asks
    Her if she if OK. She replies yes.


    He asks what she is doing and she
    Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
    Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

    He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

    She
    Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
    Said...


    (You'll love this...)









    (I know you will...)








    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."


    Orwell said "If there is hope, it lies in the proles." Whilst champagne socialists see diversity idealised at university, the common folk experience it first hand in their neighbour hoods.

  6. #290
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    A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
    It's been flickering for weeks now."
    He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
    "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
    To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
    "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
    "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
    So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
    He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
    As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
    As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
    As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
    "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
    She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
    Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
    He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sordid sex with him or bake him a cake."
    He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
    She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see mary berry written on my f*****' forehead?
    The day that God created Akita's......He just sat back and smiled

  7. #291
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    A Sottish Soldier . . .

    A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
    The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
    The condom has a number of patches on it.
    The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
    "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
    "Six pence," says the pharmacist.
    "How much for a new one?"
    "Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
    The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
    A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
    The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.


    "The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."

  8. #292
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    May 2008
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    Insurance Claim form quotes . .

    Insurance Claim form quotes

    True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms; These were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.

    "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
    -----
    "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
    -----
    Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
    A: Traveled by bus?
    -----
    This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
    Q - What warning was given by you?
    A - Horn
    Q - What warning was given by the other party?
    A - Moo
    -----
    "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
    -----
    "On approach to the traffic lights, the car in front suddenly broke."
    -----
    "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
    -----
    "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
    -----
    "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
    -----
    Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
    A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
    -----
    "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
    -----
    "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
    -----
    "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
    -----
    "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
    -----
    "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
    -----
    "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
    -----
    "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
    -----
    "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
    -----
    "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
    -----
    "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
    -----
    "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
    -----
    "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
    -----
    "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
    -----
    "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
    -----
    "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

  9. #293
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    A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

    A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

    The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

    He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round. They were totally amazed.

    They couldn't figure her out.. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her..

    The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

    The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
    Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?"

    The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

    The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

    She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

  10. #294
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    Bradford has an increasing Muslim population, and the Al-Jamia Suffa-Tul-Islam Grand Mosque is one of Bradford's largest.

    The Mosque had an open day, so anyone who wasn't a Muslim could go in and see how Muslims worshipped.

    I thought I'd check the place out.

    At the time I was on crutches because I had a minor sports related injury

    I sat down and the Imam spotted me, came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

    "By the will of Allah and the wish of the prophet Mohammed - you will
    walk today!"

    I told him I wasn't permanently paralysed and that I only had a small
    knee Injury that would soon heal.

    He laid his hands on me again, and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

    "By the will of Allah and the wish of the prophet Mohammed --you WILL walk today."

    Once again, I told him there was nothing seriously wrong with me.

    After prayers I stepped outside -- and bugger me, if he wasn't right!











    MY CAR WAS GONE!


    Orwell said "If there is hope, it lies in the proles." Whilst champagne socialists see diversity idealised at university, the common folk experience it first hand in their neighbour hoods.

  11. #295
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    If I had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

    I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so
    I gave him a glass of water.

    I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say
    “Your password is incorrect.”

    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    I’m great at multi-tasking--- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate
    all at once.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

    Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

    Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

    Take my advice – I’m not using it.

    My wife and I were happy for 20 years; then we met.

    I hate when people use big words just to makes themselves sound perspicacious.

    Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

    Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

    I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

    Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

    Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

    If you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, you’ll have trouble
    putting on your pants.

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

    Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

    When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was “Always”.

    My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver’s test – the other two guys managed
    to jump out of her way.

    There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

    Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are
    the do-it-yourself types.

    I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one!

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you
    don’t have to mow it.

    I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

    I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

    If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

    If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

    Money is the root of all wealth.

    No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    Women say giving birth is more painful than a man taking a kick in the nuts but you never hear any man say he would like another.

    Paddy's dog has been missing for a couple of days and he's heartbroken. Paddy's wife say’s " why don't you put a notice in the newsagent's window?"
    Paddy thinks this is a great idea so he writes out a note and sticks it in the shop window.
    After another couple of days pass his missus says " I thought we would have heard something by now Paddy
    what did you write in the notice?"

    Paddy answers "Here Boy!!"
    Last edited by daviebaby; 19/08/2018 at 07:34 AM.

  12. #296
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    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

    The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

    "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

    The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.

    The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


    If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...
    ... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.


    My doctor has advised me to start running.
    I'm not sick or anything. I've just been sleeping with his wife.


    A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
    After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
    After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
    "It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"
    "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

    With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"


    The man who invented autocorrect,
    should burn in hello.


    A worried father confronted his daughter one night.
    'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough, common and bloody stupid.'
    'Oh no, Daddy.' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever!'
    'Amuse me', the father said.
    'Well, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'


    What's easier to pick up the heavier it is?
    Women.



    Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make
    I told them to invest in stocks and bonds


    My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
    A reminder that there are worse things in life than dying alone.


    Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!" -


    I like my coffee how I like my women
    Literally anything will do the job, I'm desperate.


    My friend tied the knot and has been married for 25 years now.
    Now he just wants the stool kicked out from under him.


    Even when I put my phone in airplane mode, it only flies as far as I throw it.


    So I was on my way to the bank to ask for a loan. I got into the elevator and it stops on the second floor. As the doors open a huge man ducks down to get into the elevator. I gulp and attempt to ask what floor? A hand the size of a diner plate reaches over and hits the close door button. This giant is going to my floor! I attempt not to make eye contact, or even look his way. I continue as the elevator struggles to lift us up.
    He catches me trying to size him up in the reflection off the doors. He lets out a huge sigh. Speaks to me in what can only be described as thunder rolling through the sky.
    I awake on the floor of the elevator, struggling to breathe. His massive hand covering my face as he attempts to revive me.
    I finally say, "what did you say?"
    He says, "I noticed you trying no to look at me, but I know the questions were coming, I'm 7'2" 420 pounds, size 19 shoe, 9 inches long, Turner Brown."
    "Oh thank God, I thought you said turn around!"



    I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!
    It's called a wife.


    Love is like peeing your pants...
    Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.


    I have the body of a god
    It’s a shame it’s Buddha.

  13. #297
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    12,801
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    If I had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

    I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so
    I gave him a glass of water.

    I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say
    “Your password is incorrect.”

    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    I’m great at multi-tasking--- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate
    all at once.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

    Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

    Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

    Take my advice – I’m not using it.

    My wife and I were happy for 20 years; then we met.

    I hate when people use big words just to makes themselves sound perspicacious.

    Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

    Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

    I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

    Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

    Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

    If you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, you’ll have trouble
    putting on your pants.

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

    Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

    When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was “Always”.

    My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver’s test – the other two guys managed
    to jump out of her way.

    There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

    Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are
    the do-it-yourself types.

    I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one!

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you
    don’t have to mow it.

    I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

    I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

    If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

    If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

    Money is the root of all wealth.

    No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    Women say giving birth is more painful than a man taking a kick in the nuts but you never hear any man say he would like another.


    If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

    ... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

  14. #298
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    12,801
    Likes / Dislikes
    A man tried to sell me a coffin today...
    I told him, that's the last thing I need.


    A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
    Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
    "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

    "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
    "Yep," was the calm reply.
    "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
    "Nope."
    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?!"
    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."


    Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an *******?
    My bosses tie

    I got fired from my job at a carpet shop
    Apparently asking customers "fancy a shag?" is inappropriate ?

    What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
    A genealogist looks up family trees. A gynecologist looks up bushes.
    or
    a genealogist looks at your genes, and a gynecologist looks in your jeans


    Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
    “‘Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."
    Archie nods approvingly.
    "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.
    "A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"
    "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."


    I tried to catch fog yesterday,
    Mist.



    What do you call a woman who always know where her husband is?
    A Widow.



    “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
    Except at a funeral.


    What do you call a man who's had ten pints and wants to drive back home?
    A taxi.


    I intend to live forever
    So far, so good.

  15. #299
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    12,801
    Likes / Dislikes
    Brits

    They drive a German Car.

    They go to Irish Pubs.

    To drink Foreign beer.

    They get a Chinese / Indian / Italian Takeaway on the way back.

    They sit on Swedish furniture.

    To watch American films.

    On a Japanese TV.

    Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign.

  16. #300
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    12,801
    Likes / Dislikes
    I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
    She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".


    Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
    I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you



    Why is every gender equality officer female?
    Because it's cheaper.



    Two reasons I don't give money to homeless people.
    1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
    2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.



    A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.
    “I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”

    “No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....

    “That’s the spirit!”

    An English Professor says during a lecture....
    “In English, a double negative forms a positive.

    But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

    However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

    But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”



    The man that invented human cloning has died .
    The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.



    I went to bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on.
    “You’re pulling my leg,” I said.



    A man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks for a one hundred dollar bill tattooed onto his penis.
    Shocked and disgusted the artist asks why?

    The man goes “well, I have three reasons,

    One, I like to play with my money,

    Two, I like to watch my money grow,

    And three, next time my wife wants to go out and blow my money, she can stay home instead.



    I thought my student loans were great when I got then.
    Now they're outstanding!



    The three rings of marriage are engagement ring, wedding ring and...
    The Suffering



    My wife can't orgasm during intercourse
    doesn't stop me, though

    I don’t want to sound racist but...
    Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me...

    Kids are like farts
    Your own are awesome.

    Other people's are disgusting.

    Once in a while, one of them is really a turd.

    Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you
    But smoking bacon will cure it

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