Virus jokes

[Alikado]

Most Qlocal users will be safe from Coronavirus.
Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.



They say for 80% of people who get it, it’ll just feel like a common cold.
So the woman should be fine but it’ll take out most of the men

Went into Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
"Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" I asked.
"I'm not, it's a coughy filter" he said

For the first time in history...
The original came from China and the bootleg was made in Italy

Coronavirus is a lot like pasta
It may have started in China, but the Italian's were the ones who made
it popular

People gathered in masses
To buy paper for their asses.

I used to Cough to hide a F4rt
Now I F4rt to hide a Cough

The bloke that invented alcohol gel sanitiser
.......must be rubbing his hands together now.

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...
I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

The reason Trump didn't declare a national emergency last week...
...is because he was spending his time learning two very big words.

I hope this virus gets resolved before tick season -
Otherwise it’s going to be Corona with Lyme

Worried about toilet paper shortage?
Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

I went to the library to learn about Novel Coronavirus.
The librarian directed me to the fiction section. I asked her, "Why
would a book on that disease be in fiction?"
She said, "It's novel coronavirus, not reference coronavirus."

With complete shutdowns around the World, in 9 months we will a new
generation of..
..Coronials

You know that stack of fast-food napkins in your glove box?
Now it's their time to shine!

If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then...
You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

Now I understand why the toilet paper is sold out everywhere
When I sneeze, 25 people around me ***** their pants.


Should I get Covid-19?
Or wait for Covid-20 that will be released in September?

In a queue at the Post Office this morning, when three people came in
wearing masks.
Panic!
Then they said “This is a robbery!” and we all calmed down

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

The chaos of hoarding toilet paper from others in the face of imminent danger
Is the definition of saving your own ***.

Why is Trump so sure that the Coronavirus is a Democrat conspiracy?
Because pandemic has dem at the centre of panic.

How the times have changed
2019: can you show us your CV?
2020: can you show us you don't have CV

I discovered a trick if you’re struggling to decide what song to sing
while washing your hands.
Just count to 20 it’s not that hard

Don't worry about coronavirus, it won't last long.
.............. it was made in China.

The question is finally answered...
The World Health Organization has just declared that since canines are
unable to spread the Coronavirus, they no longer need to be
quarantined.
So now we know, “W.H.O. Let The Dogs Out.”
Woof! Woof, woof, woof, woof!

[said]

And that is just a tiny few of the jokes going around!

[Alikado]

And that is just a tiny few of the jokes going around!

If you know more post them.

[steve]

Fb marketplace humour

[gsgsgs]

[gsgsgs]

UK Virus ALERT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the *******.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[gsgsgs]

[Hamble]

https://www.boredpanda.com/coronavir...mpaign=organic

[Kippax]

.

[gsgsgs]

[roving-eye]

happy to add a few

[Snig's foot]

I've not been able to get on the forum for several days. This was because my anti-virus software said there was a virus.

[Alikado]

According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Tesco.

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...
... just buy some shares. Then you'll have a bit of company.

Your Grandparents were called to fight in world wars. You're being called to wash your hands & sit on the couch. Don't fwck it up!

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its because after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

Finland have just closed their borders....
Which means no one can cross the finish line.

I wanted to do some last minute panic buying.
Then I checked my bank account.
Now all I can do is panic.

The stock market crashed and the bars are closed
this sure feels like the 20s

Overheard in a local supermarket parking lot:
6 adults pass by pushing carts overloaded with toilet paper
KID: Why do they need so much toilet paper daddy?
DAD: Coz they're assholes

Nail salons closed, beauty parlours closed, hair salons closed...
It's about to get ugly out there.

Want to know why there is a toilet paper shortage?
One person coughs, and 12 people nearby ***** themselves.

Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16 Texas

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling.
Food is running low.
Down to only 459 days worth.
My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean.
Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory).
Power still on, but for how long?
Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) .
I fear dark days ahead.
News is all bad.
Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge.
I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor!
Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity....

[Alikado]

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.
Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the produce section.

With the quarantine and all the bars closed, I got some opportunity to talk to my wife.
She actually seems like a nice person.

Day one of homeschool teaching
I can’t believe my boyfriend is sleeping with his sons teacher

If schools are closed too long then parents are going to find a vaccine before scientists do.

If they close grocery stores because of corona virus...
...we will all need to start hunting again, and I don't even know where burgers live.

An Anagram for "Covid Self Quarantine is........
"Advance Finest Liquor"

People which are buying toilet paper for months are optimists
They are thinking that they will have something to eat

Don't worry about all the deaths from Coronavirus
All those that die will be replaced with more to spare.
#WorkFromHome

Cant wait to go back to work!
I'm out of toilet paper.

If bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus?
Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!

IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!

Think about it.....
01, No Sports.
02, All Pubs to shut.
03, 14 Days Quarantine (so you can finally get those odd jobs done)
04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ...... THEY KNOW THAT'S OUR KRYPTONITE!
05, They've name it after a beer!

France says it is at war and the best way to fight that war is by staying at home.
So it seems that they have just dusted off the strategy from 1939.

[said]

If you know more post them.

It is such a shame! Schofield has just come out after all this time and now he is being told to stay in!