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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #1
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    Joke thread

    An oldie.


    Scouser: I'm working for Jesus!
    Vicar: You've seen the light! Tell me more!
    Scouser: Kraft Cheeses in Kirkby.

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  4. #2
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    Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?”
    Wife: “I'm looking for a loophole.”

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  6. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hector View Post
    Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?”
    Wife: “I'm looking for a loophole.”
    A priest, a rabbit & minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "what'll ya have?" The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of autocorrect."

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  8. #4
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    For those whose wedding got cancelled due to virus.
    Be wise because God giving you second chance..

    Light travels faster than sound
    That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

    After my wife died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
    But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it

    I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
    No ones given me a straight answer.

    A man doesn't know what true happiness is until he's married....
    And then it's too late.

    One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
    The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
    She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
    Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
    The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
    Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

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  10. #5
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    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

    "Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

    "Well, there's so much to live for!"

    "Like what?"

    "Are you religious?"

    He said: "Yes."

    I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

    "Christian."

    "Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

    "Protestant."

    "Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

    "Baptist."

    "Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

    "Baptist Church of God."

    "Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God."

    "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

    He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

    I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

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  12. #6
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    Tesco pre corona virus.

    Buying two large bags of dog biscuits for two large dogs, put the two bags on the belt at check out,

    Lady behind says "have you got a dog"?

    Strange question, I said "no, this is part of my weight loss diet"

    Lady "what do you do with dog biscuits"?

    Me "I just carry a handful in my pocket, if I feel peckish just nibble on one or two"

    Lady " does it work, do you lose weight"?

    Me " certainly does, but you need to be careful, last time I tried it finished up in hospital."

    Lady "that's awful, did they make you ill"?

    Me "no got run over by a bus while sitting in the middle of the road trying to lick my b###s".

    Silly woman course I've got a dog, funniest bit, guy in front of me had latched on to the conversation, he was laughing so hard thought he would have a heart attack as he staggered out the store.
    Last edited by silver fox; 24/05/2020 at 09:00 PM.

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  14. #7
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    Two Army Officers were having a discussion as to whether sex was a pleasure or a marital duty, suddenly one of them called out to a passing soldier " Private come here" Yes Sir he replied and marched over.
    Settle an argument for me is sex a pleasure or a duty?

    "It's a pleasure Sir!" How do you come to that conclusion soldier, "well Sir if it was a duty you'd have me doing it for you"

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  16. #8
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    What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
    They both border on stupidity.

    What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
    The taste

    What do you get when a bee is stuck in the garage?
    Garbage

    My son is a male trapped in a female's body
    He's due in in 3 months.

    A priest suffers a cardiac arrest..
    While being wheeled into the operating room he briefly regains consciousness and tries to look around.
    Priest : Am I in heaven ?
    Nurse : No, we're taking a shortcut through the children's ward.

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  18. #9
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    Again - pre Covid19 -

    Two blokes walking through a wood see an Everton season ticket nailed to a tree.

    One rubs his hands together and says 'I'm havin that'!

    'Really'? says the other bloke.

    'Of course' says the first bloke. 'Yer never know when you're gonna need a nail'.

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  20. #10
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    Why are there no Covid-19 cases in Antarctica?
    Because the people there are ice-o-lated

    I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
    She hugged me

    I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could ********** in the cup...
    I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.

    I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............
    Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

    So my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless again today.
    I just wish his wife would do the same

    How many cops does it take to fix a light bulb?
    2. One to suffocate the light bulb and the other to shoot the room for being black

    I wondered why the ball was getting larger
    Then it hit me

    My favorite sex position is called "WOW"...
    It's when I flip MOM over...

    I woke up grumpy this morning.
    That was a mistake, I should have just let her sleep.

    What’s the only animal with an ******* in the middle of its back?
    A Police Horse

    A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
    Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
    After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
    "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
    The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
    The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.


    A Yorkshire man's beloved wife passed away.
    He went to the headstone maker to sort out the stone for her grave.
    Being a devout man, he decided the inscription should read 'She was thine'.
    The stonemason told him to return a week later.
    A week later the man returns to inspect the stone. The proud stonemason wheeled it out in a trolley.
    It looked fabulous, except the inscription read 'She was thin'.
    "It's missing an 'e'," he exclaimed.
    The slightly embarrassed mason apologised profusely and asked him to return a week later and he would fix it.
    A week later, the Yorkshire man headed back to inspect the finished stone.
    The mason wheeled it out again.
    The poor widower inspected the stone. It said...
    'E she was thin'.

  21. #11
    Lamparilla Guest
    A man was driving through the countryside on a cold winter's night, when he spotted the welcoming lights of a thatched roadside inn.

    He parked up and walked in to find a lovely traditional beamed lounge, with a huge old fireplace and a roaring log fire. In front of the fire a large Great Dane was curled up, busily engaged in licking its b@lls.

    The man was greeted at the bar by the landlord and, just to make conversation, the man nodded towards the dog and said "Wow - I wish I could do that".

    The landlord replied: "Give him a packet of crisps and he might let you".

  22. #12
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    The president of the US is threatening to send the military to
    suppress US citizens.
    Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

    What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
    When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired


    America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
    By keeping the first one going

    How many cops does it take to throw someone down a flight of stairs?
    None. He fell.

    How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

    I once got arrested for killing a black man.
    They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

    If you suffer from schizophrenia
    Don’t worry, you’re not alone

    If you speak 3 languages you're trilingual; if you speak 2 languages
    you're bilingual
    If you speak 1 language you're American

    After my Prostate Exam, the doctor left. When the nurse came in as she
    shut the door, she whispered three words no man wants to hear:
    Who was that?"

    Donald Trump's brain has two parts.
    The right part and the left part but,
    The right part has nothing left. The left part has nothing right.

    All races are not equal.
    Some are 100m, some are 400m.

    Of course mentally disabled people should be allowed to have jobs...
    But to make them President of the United States is a bit too much.

    Did you hear about the guy that was shot with the starter pistol ?
    I guess it was race related !

    I wonder what my parents did before the internet
    I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either

    What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?
    Please don't kill me!

    Some people refuse to admit their faults.
    I would, if I had any.
    Last edited by Alikado; 07/06/2020 at 07:56 AM.

  23. #13
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    The other day I met a clone of me that I'd no idea had been made -

    I was absolutely beside myself!

  24. #14
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    A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
    pulls back the covers.
    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
    very, closely:
    "Are - my - test - results - back?"

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  26. #15
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    A man was bragging to his mates that he was having sex with twins, one asked can you tell them apart. Oh yes he said the brother has a moustache.

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