Something to make us laugh

[gsgsgs]

[Alikado]

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?
They can't tell the difference between red and green.


It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.
I was also disappointed by BBC news
Don’t fly Virgin Airlines, you’ll be disappointed there too.

A man dies and goes to Heaven...
When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.
"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.
"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."
Peter then gives some examples: "This one is Mother Theresa's. It says 00:00, because she never lied. This one is Abraham Lincoln's. He lied twice..." etc.
The man, curious, then asks: "So... where's Boris Johnson's clock?"
"Oh, it's in my office: I use it as my fan!"


Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs.
20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.


How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
His drill slipped.

How can you tell the difference between a male door and a female door?
One has a bell and the other has knockers.

What do you call a group of deaf people?
I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high...
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."Leviticus 20:13 ESV


Jesus died for your sins!!! So you make sure you sin, otherwise Jesus died for nothing.


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests...
The last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."


I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Easter Day I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.
So I turned it into wine...

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.He should have his cabinet together by the end of the month.

A woman asks her doctor if she can get pregnant from anal sex
He answers, "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Wheres John?
Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?
Joe: He's in the hospital.
Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!
Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too...

Why is it ok to debone a chicken but boning a chicken gets you arrested.


Do not trust door knobs Coz they can turn on you.

I got stopped by the cops last night, my drug test came back negative.My dealer has some explaining to do.


A wife woke up one morning after a long restful sleep......She stretches, and turns to her husband and says, “you know, I had the weirdest dream! I dreamt that you gave me a diamond necklace! What do you think my dream means?” The husband thoughtfully responds “well, you’ll know tonight!” Later that evening, the husband comes home with a tiny package for his wife. “Here darling, for you!” he says. Excited, the wife opens the package to see what it was. She pulls out a book called “Dream Interpretations and Meanings”.

My idea of a balanced diet...Is a beer in each hand.

Beer doesn't have a lot of vitamins....that's why you have to drink a lot of it.

Ho Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."His boss says, You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for sex, that makes everything better and I go to work. Try it."Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and feel great, I be at work soon. You have a nice house too"

A man gets on a bus and sits next to a lady with a child ..
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."
She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."
She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."
The man finally gets exasperated and says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"

A mother is breastfeeding her baby on a plane.
The captain comes on and says "we're ready for takeoff."
The mother wraps her child and herself up.
The plane takes off and the mother opens up and begins to breastfeed her child again.
Her seatmate turns to her and says "You must have a hungry child."
The mother answers "No, I just feed him to stop his ears from popping as we climb in altitude."
The seatmate thinks about that for a moment then replies "And here I've been chewing gum all this time."


Biden will NEVER get my guns
I keep them upstairs

My teacher asked my to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail
When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

A cheese factory exploded in France today De Brie was everywhere


When I was a kid my dad started showing me pictures of what would happen if I didn't wear a condom when having sex.
They were all pictures of me

I got in touch with my inner self today.
I'm never buying Tesco Value toilet paper again.