Lets have a bit of fun.

[Alikado]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the *** are interchangeable."


Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...


...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The bugger had a window cleaning round."



Two Women Were Playing Golf...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."

"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?

The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"


I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin


I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime


I’ve been searching for my wife’s killer for the past two years.

No one is willing to do it.


I asked my mom "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

That probably explains why her marriage failed.


Shout out to America!

There's been no school shootings this year!
Yet!


The man who invented spell check died yesterday.

May he rust in p!$$




An elderly couple were having late night drinks in a bar.

Wife: I love you so much. Some times I wonder how I would have got through my life without you.
The husband pauses, shocked.
Husband: is that you or the wine talking?
The wife smiled.

Wife: that was me talking..... to the wine!


Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't like to admit that a piece of meat can give them so much pleasure.


The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.


Why Jesus wasn't born in Ireland?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

And he wouldn't of been nailed to a cross, he would of just been hammered all the time.


A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"********! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"


With great power

Comes great electricity bills

[Styx]

The Medical Profession were asked, "Should Brexit take place?"



The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Brexiteers had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a
misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians
said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the
Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that May’s proposal would "Put a whole new
face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
P****d off at the whole idea.

Anaesthetists thought it was all a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
to the arseholes in Parliament.

[Alikado]

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'


What is the best thing about Alzheimers?

Meeting new people every day


I've been dropping a lot of things lately...

It's really getting out of hand


I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...

[Alikado]

Brexit

“‘In and out’, it’s a very hard decision. It’s like the other day, my flatmate was making me a peppermint tea, and he said ‘would you like bag leaving in, or taken out?’ If you leave the bag in, on the whole the cup of tea itself will get stronger, and it might appear that the bag is getting weaker, but it’s now part of a stronger cup of tea. Whereas if you take the bag out, the tea’s now quite weak, but the bag itself goes directly in the bin.


How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels.

[Alikado]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug *******!"


I thought everything in my life was hard...

And then I was diagnosed with Erectile Dysfunction



A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the trolley. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for £10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a £20 face cream and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” Says the husband. “It’s my face cream, it makes me beautiful” replies the wife. Her husband retorts

“So does the Budweiser, and it’s half the price”.


Schools are always telling you to "follow your dreams..."

But my teachers never let me sleep in class.


Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?

Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.

Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"

Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"

Dad answered "Yes"

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me, I'm coming too."