Yes yes I know I`m lying but I cannot help myself, I have rediscovered Southport.gb.com. Great site its the only one that lets me type my looney cricket Jargon.

well the 2nd team got off to a heart breaking loosing draw against the solid Burscough 2nd`s outfit. With a few key players missing it was always going to be tough ask but it became all about trying to keep the will to live.

Yes Burscough opened the batting and their opener knocked up an easy ton which was deserved and the younger one of the 2 stayed around for a bit. A ton is a ton but we may as well of picked up his bat and smashed it as hard as we could into the carrot fields along with toad and badger and moley.

Even the big mamba Willy Rimmer could not find any lentgh or rytham and maybe to do with his car blowing up on the way to the ground, that must have some effect even for players with no brain like myself.

I myself bowled like an unfit muppet, I resembled fuzzy the bear with gonzo on his back as I was told to run up that stupid hill just before the crease. Never again!!

Burscough hit 230-2


It still was on the cards that we could pull something off but lets talk about cricket.

Mr ball ( the touc) entered opening with John Pendleton the attacking sort who only looks to score runs quickly when we are chasing 350 plus?? why is this even the JohntyRhodes can do that " hit out or get out".

Mr ball edged to slip without troubling the score and it got worse. DAd Johnson and Big Mamba only added a few before they were back sulking. On comes the big hitting hALL who is a capable type. Mr ball and myself decided to move his car when he arrived at the crease, neither of us having a licence. It did the job Hall out first delivery, Omaha High.

With the score on 26-5 of 20 overs I had continplated walking to the pub but I knew I would not return if I did so. Mike Marco Aisbett added a 0 so we were cruising at this point. On steps debut boy Jamie and he was Joined by Jimmy Alcatraz bird the son of the great dickie. They showed a bit of fighting spirit and managed to get the total up to about 60 before the bird man was done did. Out steps the boring Cooper man followed quickly by the Mr Nosey Parker. Yep they added a couple between them, good effort?

The sCore being 65-9 I had to wipe my tears away as I came out to bat. I had about 6 overs to stop them getting the points and see if we could gain any. Debut boy Jamie looked quite impressive and we got to the 80`s without lossing but oh boy if I have to play in another game of cricket like this you will be pleased to know you wont be seeing any more cricket updates from the JohntyRhodes.

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Mr ball who has numberous 50`s and tons to his name edged to slip with out scoring.

Yes another Saturday passes by on this stupid revolving planet,
Which means I can type a report on the events of Portland Wino`s V`s Halsallwestend 2nd`s.

With a bit of fresh blood in the squad morale seemed high and hopes that we could establish a decent total looked a probable occurance. Dad Johnson lost the Toss and we got put into bat on a pretty wet track so It was a baddy to loose.

Mr Briggs and And Mr Pendleton opened and Mr briggs hit a few nice 4`s in the first couple of overs. In the 5th over it started to go a little pair shaped as Mr Briggs tickled an edge to what I thought was short fine leg but I did not have my Contacts in so could easily have been deep extra cover.

19-1 of 5 overs, but things could not get as bad as last week.
Outsteps Mamba in the number 3 slot, promoted obviously for nearly reaching double figures last week.
The bowler approaches, mamba lifts his bat the ball seems a slow, straight one, Mamba attempts to put his bat down, Too late wicket already out of the ground. To be fair to people getting out at that end there was no sight screen so at least they had an excuse for the pub.

On comes the far from Sober big hitting Hall who was looking to make amends for his duck last week. After prodding at the consistant line and length accuracy of sharapova and sabbatini he decided he would get bowled to keep his average the same. Mr Kahunna Wheeler must have thought this was the done thing so he did the same.
The score now on 20-3 of 10 overs.

On comes captian Marvelous Dad Johnson to try and get us back on track. DJ hit a nice boundray and looked to attack more which excited me v slightly. Mr pendleton was then dismissed for a battling 13. Mr benbow then had a nipper backer and wicket gonna and was soon followed by Jimmy Alcatraz Bird the son of Dickie and Nosey Parker to leave us on 49-8. Omaha High

out comes me the Rhodes thinking that I will have a chance to bat more than 3 overs was soon disolutioned. DJ hit a funny shot to point and with myself and the 14year old Mike `Golioth` Finch at the crease I realised that it might not be like that. I decided to half defend a ball that was bouncy and missing leg stump onlt to get caught of my Stupid thumb.


ALL OUT 51 of 22 overs? Shocking it reminded my of My Graheam Gooch cricket playing days on the Amiga where if You bowled with the leggy and pitch it 6 foot in front of you and turn it the very slightest little bit you had huge reward evenings.


with My 100-1 horse finishing 3rd and me being a rushed nugget backing on the nose, Everton loosing, My tv blowing up and my cat being sick on our new carpet I was really enjoying myself.


Myself and Mr Tony Zanuzzi Benbow opening the bowling there was a glimmer of a chance. We bowled tight and got them to 12-2 of 7. I then got the smashed firmly into my foot by the big gangly gopher and went swiftly to the boundray. The next delivery to ging gang was meet with a similar outcome and the next one his wick woks were everywhere. 24-3.

The butcher was next to be dismissed with a slowy that decided it would turn for me and clipped the off stump.
27-4.

mamba was then given the ball which he swiftly dropped short, this was just as quickly hit over the little white flags and again in that over smashed to the boundray. Whilst I plugged away still at the other end nosey came on to bowl a few before he enjoys the sun. He to got abused and 1 flew over the coukoo`s nest and chief was no where to be seen.

The rest is not worth talking about, but they got to 52-5 and that was that. Although are batting resembled a Jack Nicholson day trip to play cricket with chief,spirits kept high in the field and an improved bowling performance proves that if the batting improves then we will be a decent side. Let sides see our score book and I`m sure they will get a false sense of security for the game.

Unfortunatley the 1st teams game got called off due to water on the pitch and all the ducks that were left there from last week would need to be removed.

3rd team`s game was also called off.


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Oh my god his drawn a set of deuces on the flop.

JontyRhodes - madman, fool, nutter, fruitloop.........LEGEND

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Shot by a sniper, shocking.

Yes it was another entertaining Saturday afternnon at Hallsall playing field with the mighty Halsallwestend 2nd`s taking on the wrath of the Bretherton LOCALS.

Dad Johnson yet again carries on his good form with the coin and looses the toss on a damp pitch. He has not quite grasped the Heads you bat Talis we field trick yet but I am on the case.

Westend were defo short stacked before the game started and would not of been able to raise a team if it were not for the Help of Penny and co ( Ar Penny, thats what ledgends are made of)

So HW opened the batting and it was not long before I remembered that Saturday Superstore was a great show and that Gordon the Gopher had a distinct possiblity of being selected next week?

Jamie opened with DJ Dad Johnson, Maiden after Maiden followed, and was not long before Robin Hood heard of this and we got a crowd of 3 people watching. the ball moved about like a dodgey Zanuzi and it was not easy to score runs. Jamie was first to go for very few and big william Mamba was soon to follow.

Out pops DR Aisbett in the number 4 slot who was full entertainment value. He look composed as he played and missed at a ball. The wicky took the ball and started throwing it back to the bowler. Dr Aisbitt then proceeds to put his bat under his arm and walk off the pitch? Everyone thought he must of needed a turd but No wait he starts taking his pads off?
I told him to stop making me laugh before I did A Rev Hill and break a rib.
In a totally confused state he returns to the crease with a red face, Never seen anything like it, no appeal no noise just had enough of the wobbly ball I think White flags everywhere..

To be cont...................

Can we have the second half of this report please Jonty.....

Many thanks in advance

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily
Life is but a dream.........

Unfortunatley Rhodes has temp retired from mentioning the word cricket.... sh*t, let along typing match reports on the sport.
I will hold myself back till we win a game, not holding my breath. when we do I will write you a short story to remember and i will be off again on the looney bin jargon adventure and I will make sure jack and Cheif get a mention and we will have lots of fishing trips with the other looneys.

Yellows..... Yellows..... Yellows.....



Sorry Rat Boy I`m as dissapointed as you.

Please do not stop writing Jonty - as you are probably the most entertaining ****er on this site at the moment

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Shocking a Match report with Spelling errors corrected for those who do not speak Danish.


It’s happened Halsall west end Big Vikings won a game of cricket, lets have it!!!
No more snipered women and ewok Hawaiian pom pom girls with big animals playing fiddles?
The Scene: Mawdsley Cricket Pitch, Lancs.Mawdsely 2nd`s take on the mighty Halsall West End 2nds in a game of cricket that meant more than west ham going up and Neil Armstrong farting about on a US drama set.

The Mighty DJ Johnson wins the toss and ordered his Vikings to draw weapons and smash their balls in many carrot fields preferably hard enough for their balls never to return to the battlefields of Babylon and the cricket pitch.The Good G Ball entered the arena with Pendo the great and the battle commenced.
The Vikings got off to a flyer with the Good G Ball stroking glorious cover drives and a beauty through slips for 4 pieces of your finest silk niknoks. However Danny Glover ( Lethal Weapon) with his accurate slow bowling tamed the Vikings and was hard to put away but his son at the other end was less accurate and The good G Ball was accumulating nicely while Pendo the Great was not but was doing a Stirling effort in keeping out some good bowling.
The score got up to 50 with no Wickwok to be seen of approx 20 overs and all was going ok.Mawdsleys Lethal Weapon in his 2000 league appearance continued to bowl steadily at one end and the Vikings attempted to play most the scoring shots from the other end and it was not Long before the Good G.Ball reached his 50 with the score on 67-0 of approx 25 overs.it was not long before the Good G.Ball launched a flat 6 over the bowlers head into the land of Legendary Ashley ( farmer )Giles crop patches and the game was stopped for 10 minutes as the ball was lost in the 4 foot carrot sprouts.After 10 minutes of farting about, a wrecked patch of crop and no ball found we continued to battle hard against tiring Mawdsely 11.We later reached the 100 mark with another great opening partnership which was defo affecting the spirits of the opposition.
The Good G. ball went for another 70odd which was a great effort
Johannus Rhodes was umping and gave an LBW to the Great Pendo which was later hotly contested as dummies where being fired around like a broken M15. The Score now read 109-2 of 35 overs and a whole new game awoke.Mawdsley brought on their secret weapon and with lethal weapon at one end and Secret weapon at the other and 9 other weapons in the battle field it was game on.
Finchmeister was next to be bowled for a measly 2 and Nutflush Hall followed quickly. The Good finch then enetered the battle field and smash a lovely 4 b4 getting done by the V slow Secret larry the Lob.
Captain America then enters the arena and took on Larry from the off smashing a nice 6 over the head of the bowler and the 2 fielders on the boundary and in the ruined farmer Ash is field. A few balls later he tried the same shot and did not middle it, caught on the boundary. 125-6.Some where b4 that Mike the Surgeon got his Middle wick wock surgically removed by the pace of Leisure Suit Larry and we were about 127-7. Out steppes big Willy Mamba with a light sabre fit for the battle field he lashed a 4 to the boundary with ease but soon fell to another Larry that came from somewhere close to the death star and was bowled . ( shocking Delivery only ever to be matched by the great Ronnie Stringer) Hope you are feeling a bit better Ron we miss you at Cricket!! 132-8 and the Vikings were sinking quicker than a dingy with Jade Goodie and Big Daddy getting jiggy with the Hawaiian girls.
Before Rhodes was Stumped of the bowling of Larry ( didn’t c that 1 coming) he danced with Jimmy Alcatraz Bird the son of Dickie as we at one stage we shook hands and sent him back to his end. Don’t actually know to much about it but apparent between us we ran 3 even though generally were running the same direction for most of it we only got 1 run for it?(shocking).The bird man did well and stayed there but ran out of support and the innings closed on 153 all out.A good effort but all a little dejected after such a good start the Vikings went to the field with Johannus Rhodes And peta Finchmeister opening the bowling. Both bowled tight and with good support in the battle field kept the run rate down. Fichmeister had a diving catch in slips dropped and nothing was coming of the middle of the bat. Mawdsley were 20-1 of 15 overs as one was trapped LBW of Rhodes bowling. When DJ rested Rhodes and changed the tune. On DJ came and Fincmeister was replaced by Nosey. DJ mixed it about threw in a couple of fast beats then slowed it up with a bit of jazz and it was game on again as the batters were frustrated early doors. It paid off as a few rash shots got a couple of wickwoks one of which feel to the (not so safe anymore) hands of Rhodes who plucked one from an X wing fighter. The score on approx 50-5 Finchmeister was back in attack with Rhodes. Fincmeister struck with a wide ball that got edged to slip and with the delightful Foot work Of Jimmy Alcatraz Bird the son of Dickie hitting the middle stump with a low free kick leaving the batsman stranded Mawdsley were struggling on 70-7. It was soon apparent with only about 15 overs remaining they were trying to hang on for a draw. Fichmesiter struck again and the score read 75-8 with about 8 overs left. Mawdsley had a young lad coming in to bat and with the other bat doing a really good job in keeping him away from strike it looked like it was going to be one of those frustrating draws.The wind had been blowing hard all day like a pro in Soho and on more than one occasion the bails were on the floor.With 3 overs left Rhodes had 2 balls at the young lad. He did not want to try and bowl fast as it was not sporting but he tried to bowl a nice pace but get it up there. the first ball swung big time with the wind and it was not looking good. Next ball was on the penny and the ball hit the wickets.What Happened after that I am not sure? The Ump called a No ball after I had bowled the little guy. Apparently 1 of the bails was on the floor before I bowled the ball, which I had not noticed. The umpire ( mawdsley player) let me bowl the ball then after the lad was bowled called it a no ball? I to be honest was not a happy bunny as I did not know for sure at this time that one of the bails was off and if it was why did he let me bowl. After one of those comical cricket disputes with everyone having there 10 pence worth they decided they would have a no ball which if they were going to do that should of been a dead ball. Anyway next delivery the lad was bowled again and that was the end of that dispute. I personally felt sorry for the young lad as none of it was his fault.With 2 overs to go we needed 1 wicket and I bowled Lethal weapon giving us the victory that we desperately needed.Mawdsley ended on 88 all out.
Who needs Episode III when there are always Light sabres Wickwocks, Deathstars, Jabba`s to be found on a Saturday afternoon doing battle with the enemy.You are heads up in Hold um tourney, you are 67 Suited your opponent is holding a pair of deuces, which hand would you rather be holding?
Raise,
Check
Slow down
Fold
You take it you pig!!!
I am setting up a new political party called that Anti Bad beat party!!

Full fight report and Halsall 2nd report to follow:
OMG
I would have paid £15 per round to see that fight again.

Bluemoon hit man in the 2.50 at Bath.



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Racing from Bath - RESULT:

2.40: 9 Linda Green E Creighton 9-2, 2 Blue Moon Hitman G Baker 8-1, 12 Kiss The Rain I Mongan 33-1, 14 ran.



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Looking forward to the report Jonty. Those muchers took one hell of a beating this weekend!!

jonty jonty give us a post
jonty give us a post
jonty jonty give us a post
jonty give us a post!!

come on jonty
come on jonty

Rat boy I am so sorry about Blue moon hit man I did a Reverse Forecast with the late Linda Green and enjoyed myself
(SHOCKING)
What a riddick bowe Women shot by a jabba wokki in a pair of speedo's.
U will also be gettin a screen print of the bet I placed on the mighty Betfair just to really get the "Blue Moon, " I said blue Moon, I said Blue Moon, Blue moooooon U make me hit harder when u sing this tune"

The Setting: Halsall Vikings Battle Ground
Conditions: Variable sunshine with occasional Snow drifts

Yes it was Saturday and could taste victory in my blood plus many other strange concoctions.

DJ Dad losses the toss and keeps up his high average with the queens head. He should use a Canadian $0.20 where there is a moose on one side and the Queen on the other and call "MOOSE"!!

So Timothy's boys wanted to bat and they faced Johnson and Son for the first 15 overs. Considering Rhodes was totally oblivious to what was going on he made a good effort and with DJ bowling nice and tight Halsall restricted Dalton to 20-1 of 15 overs, DJ taking a deserved wickwock. Rhodes was rested and Nosey Parker came on to replace the dying Rhodes. Nosey also bowled tight and in his turd over made Rhodes awake as the ball somehow stuck in his hand.
At the other end surgeon Aisbett got a bit of bounce with his extra inches hit gold when the batter hit the ball straight up in the air. Like Marco in full flight he took the catch beautifully off his own bowling and Timothy’s openers were back in the hutch.

Marco struck again as the great Pendo managed to catch one of the edge and it was approx 33-3 and looking rather easy at times.

Nosey was then taken off after an excellent 5 over spell which went for figures of 6-1, and although looked as green as the Rhodes did not want to be changed but Captain Marvelous asked him to have a breather. Rhodes replaced Spiderman and could not break through as Timothy's boys failed to get close to the ball outside Cellar 5.
However at the other end the Surgeon removed a Wickwok and the score was approx 45-4. The Surgeon’s last over made a mess of his figures which was fair seeing that he made a mess off one of the batters nut protector and then Shoulder nut protector. DJ paddywack Johnson got in on the act with a couple of sticklebacks and Dalton were struggling on about 75-6 off 38 overs.
On came the Navigator and Jimmy Alcatraz Bird the son of Dickie.
The Navigator lived up to his name and delighted the waking Rhodes at Deep mid wicket. Cooperman struck gold as something happened but I dont know as could not see that far. On comes the Dalton Captain who played himself in quick and got the runs ticking. He dissected the Willy Mamba and Rhodes near Deep mid wicket and managed to loose our ball which was a poor show. But the Navigator went Larry and took him to pieces and with the score on 100-8 with it was looking good.
Dalton then brought on their secret weapons a 125 year old Lesley Neilson look alike and an Ewok.
Jimmy the bird man of Alcatraz saw them off and Dalton ended on 111 all out.

It was up to The Great Pendo and Briggsey to get the Vikings off to a good start but with the tight swinging bowling of the Young Barton and Mr Youngman it was not too easy. Briggesy hit a few glorious cuts before looking like Dodgey Hodgey in a pair of Stiletto’s and got away with a few horrible shots, however he hit a few more fours before being brilliantly caught as he pulled it hard towards leg.
Brigesy hit a valiant 22.
Pendo The Great at the other end was battling away and managed to score a solid 3 of the first 14 overs, but was delighting the betting crowd as bets were flying round Maidens and Boundary’s.

Nutflush Hall and the Great Pendo were both getting bogged down by tight bowling and the relief of a huge 6 From Nutty relieved some pressure after a juicy full toss. “HIT IT” Rhodes awoke for that one.
Pendo the Great then started to attack and hit a few nice 4 of your finest silk nik noks.
Pendo the great was then out Don’t know how but it happened, Could not see that far.

Out Steps Willy Mamba with his heavy bat, It was not long before he smashed a cross batted 4 and it looked good till he got out, Don’t know how cos I could not see that far.

With some tight bowling Dalton looked to halt the progress of the Vikings and did so making it a real interesting War of Attrition in the 3.30 at the Curragh.
Halsall struggled along to approx 45-3 of 20 overs.
Nutty was next to go as he attempted to pull another juicy fella but his left wickwok eyebrow was left on the floor with all the little worms and grubby creatures that live in the Battlefield of Battlefields.

Out steps Cooperman in at Number 5 and with the score on about 55-4 he came back to join us to watch the game from the Pavilion of Pavilions. 5 Wickwocks down and only 65 on the board it was getting tense and it was like when Morph took his first steps with Tony Hart watching from the distance with that stupid smile, Don’t u think Tony Hart is Ken Barlows brother? I do.

Jimmy the bird man of Alcatraz the son of Dickie was next to enter the arena and hit a few nice strokes before being dispatched.

The Surgeon and Captain America were at the crease the score was 87-7 with 5 overs remaining.
Some tight bowling by the young Barton was putting pressure on the run rate with 3 overs left Halsall still needed 20runs. DJ Paddywack lived up to his name and hit a lovely cross shotted 6 to ease the pressure. At the other end the Surgeon was not getting near the ball which is quite worrying if you think about it and the run rate was still creeping up. DJ hit another lovely 6 which changed the whole outcome of the game and Halsall west End needed 8 of the last over to clinch the points. If the game was drawn then Halasll would only pick up 6 measly points so the pressure was red hot poker stick men and women mider ears.

The Young Barton runs in at DJ Paddywack Captain America and he tries a cut shot but misses.
Barton runs in again at DJ this time Dj gets hold of him and smashes him out of the arena for 6 of your finest silk nik Noks Kahunna wunnas. Reminiscent of the late legendary Kahunna Wheeler.
That left 2 needed with 2 balls left and Dj saw us home for a vital win to lift the James Bonds cigarette ash from the flames of the Phoenix bar.

Tremendous!!


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"Show me your cards dont muck u coward!!"